Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
