benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
