the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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