every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
