you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
