why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you had me at cake vodka
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
