The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
