I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
