I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize