Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you have to choose: penises or morals?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
