Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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