I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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