I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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