Old men and throwing up are my life now.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
