Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
