tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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