my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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