'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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