Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
