I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
