I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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