I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
