Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
