Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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