Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
