i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize