Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
