Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
