The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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