I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
