he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
