clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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