How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
