i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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