when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize