I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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