that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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