Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
