as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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