please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
