i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
