Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
