it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
