Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
