I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
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