Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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