I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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