i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize