I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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