Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
