"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
