dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
