she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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