Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
