my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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