Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
