Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
