i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
