Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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