Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Randomize
