I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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